Anxiety and Depression

There are alot of things people dont know about me and these things i have kept to myself because i am a proud and stubborn person who is passionate about anything i have an interest in. I am successful but i am far from perfection. I have a problem and i keep it hidden away from everyone because i consider it weak and i dont like to reveal myself to people who arn't close to me.

So i will try and be completely straight forward and not to ramble on as i usually do. For around 7 years or more i have been battling depression and anxiety for control and stability of my mind. I know i am not schitzophrenic but i do have two dominant personalities or masks that people know me by. The first would be chesh who exists to serve the purpose of having to deal with people. He is confident, and usually has no problems interacting with people socially. Chesh is the mask i wear when i meet people and is the person most people will know. Allan on the other hand is not known by anyone, except for the few people that are closest to me. My family know of my problems and there have been many instances where i have broken down and cried for no reason.

There are times when i dont know who i am, changing from one personality to the next several times ina few moments. There are memeories i cant access not matter how muchi try but i know are there and then later i can recall them in full detail and remember that i couldn't think of any of this previously. Then there are moment of time i cant remember at all, even though people have told me about them (non drunken moments too).

The anxiety makes me nervous and tense and affects me physically. At the end of high school i had three attacks which put me into a fit state. the final one i was in the bathroom and i hit my head on the sink and woke up lying on the floor of my bathroom. i have only told a few people of this numbering less than 3 and not even my mum.

Of more recent times when i feel an attack coming on i stop and my body stops listening to the signals from my brain. I spend all my energy in just trying to stay in some kind of control and always remembering to breath. This leads to me stopping in whtever it is im doing and standing there for minutes at a time not moving. Sometimes i have laid down in soem random position on the floos and stared at the same section of wall or ceiling for more than and hour.

It is making me physically sick and also destroys any kind of joy that is in my life. Of any accomplishment or achievement i feel no passion or pleasure. It destroys my apetite, ambition and motivation.

The depression plays with my emotions like a child with a now found love for yoyo's. Only two weeks ago i felt like i was on top of the world and now i am scraping the bottom of the barrel. I am so up and down that it takes alot of energy just to try and maintain some sort of balance.

I feel like i need to curl up into aball and break down into tears but there is nothing there for me to be sad about and no tears to cry. In the down time i am constantly in despair and moody. This is why i have such mad mood swings and shift from happy and cheery to pissed off or angry or depressed.

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These are my weakneses that i need to share today. For the last year or so since i got back from phillipines it has been getting worst each week. With work i can keep myself distracted but when a weekend comes along i have time to myself and i think about it too much and then feed it energy. So for every weekend in the last year i have been distracting myself so i dont think about it. Thats why i get overtly drunk every weekend and take drugs to numb my mind. For the entirety of high school i smoked pot so i didn't feel it anymore, but i think in the end it only made it worst.

So when last saturday came i was overcome by a wave of depression crashing through my weakened defeses. Drinking half a case of beer on friday didn't help. So when it hit me on saturday i had to get out and do some thing or see someone anyone. I called everybody that was in sydney and searched for my closest of friends for comfort. But every where i turned there was no one there. And as every hour of pain passed i sat there falling further and further into my own darkness consumed by despair that doesn't even exist. I had to face it. months and months of displaced pain and frustration and my greatest of fears. i was alone. everyone had left me and when i needed them.

I spoke to my house mates after i could manage to move my body again with some kind of control. I assume they had no idea, and mog mentioned going for a walk. I thought it was a good idea but when the time came she opted to not come. So i went by myself. If they had any idea how i was feeling maybe they wouldn't have let me go.

My walk to the servo took my mind to many many places. about my existence and my place in this society and this country and my family and my friends and about the reality that exists around the corner. I am not suicidal but similar thought certainly were going through my mind at the time and i sure as hell shouldn't have been walking the streets alone at that hour in that mood.

I dont know what to say anymore. I dont want your sympathy i just want your support. And to apologise for not being honest with the world that knows me. Obviously their are similarities between my two personalities as well as elements shared by each but i feel that you dont know who i am, and only know chesh. If you call me chesh and not allan then you dont know who i am. No matter how close you think you are to me.

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So my point from here is just to say that i have given up drinking and any further drug abuse and after i return from canberra i will be going onto antidepressants. I hate the thought of being dependant on a drug to feel normal but i cant fight this on my own any more. Im writing this because this blog is a part of the healing process. It is one form of working through the problem, and by talking to the people i care about most i think i will be fine.

Thankyou
Allan Morgan Mosqueda Chesher