rearrangement of mental furniture

Been a bit poor lately and havent been eating much after spending all my cash last weekend and now i cant afford food. Oh well thats what happens and so ive been really tired and sleeping alot.

Ive also been doing alot of thinking about pretty much everything and wondering what i should do and who i should go and see to see whether i should get everything fixed upstairs if you know what i mean. But im afraid of what is going to happen. I hate going to those places and seeing htose people because i know theyre going to pump some crap drug into me and then ill be out for a few years. Id rather deal with it myself and have a clean mind than let them pump some wonder drug into me and all of a sudden ill be fixed. I don think thats the way to figure anything. It just takes time.

I awoke one morning around 4am and started thinking about everthing and came to a few realisations. Some thing someone said to me and its had a bit of a impact about myself. So from this i started writing a bio of my lifes events and alot of things that ive been through. Its amazing once you start writing that you kinda look at your life from a different perspective. Once you list everything and view it from the outside you can get a better glimpse of how things really are. I feel as iff ive been sitting in the dark for the last 15 or so years and that someones turned the light on. Some of it really does make sense now. Some of it i think ive been thinking for quite sometime now and its just confirming my suspicion.

I plan on giving copies of my bio to my closest of friends but even this is a breach of most defences ive put in place for myself. I really am worried about showing this to people. It will make me vulnerable but i think it will help people understand me more.

big week, lots of shit to deal with and right before i start my career.
i thought i had it all under control and then next thing i know i surrounded on all sides.

chesh