post k breakup
wow. it has been along time. well what to say. I have had quite a good four years since I have last written here and I suppose it goes to show you how bad a time I am having now because I am writing on here again.
I have tried with the greatest of my efforts to pursue the success of myself while at the same time have a loving relationship with the one that I love while being as true to myself as I could possibly be. In a way I have become very successful. Career wise I have accomplish many things that I thought could never be possible from someone of my stature, growing up where I did and under the conditions that I did while being surrounded by the folk that I did. Very few people truly understand what this means to me to have overcome this accomplishment.
Second most I have had the opportunity to be with the girl of my dreams, something that alot of people will never experience. Its like a moment in time, or a blink of the eye. I dont know how I got here to this place or how I can get myself back to where I used to be. I stop for only a moment to be haunted once again by memories or a dream that she will walk back into my life and forgive me for my imperfections.
Then I get sad, very sad, I want to cry but cant, then I get angry, that I have been left like this, angry that there i someone in the world that i care that much for and that i have opened myself up to and has that kind of power over me so that i can feel this much hurt. I look around and see my room, our room. my bed, our bed. i can still see her things piled in my room. I look on facebook and and reminded of a time when i was happier by those stupid photo pop ups on the right hand column, and once again i fall back into despair.
Fuck you world. fuck you, Why cant I stop this. why cant I just let this go and be free. be free of this torment. why. because i still fucking love her. fuck im an idiot. I had the world in my hands and I dropped it. now all I have is a hope. a small painful torturous hope. a date. a time. 2 years from now. 25th November 2012. its cruel in a way. cruel to make me suffer. but im a fool and I did it to myself. hanging on to a dream. a dream that I thought I could achieve. to do the impossible. to have that life that most people wish for. a happy marriage, a house, 2 kids, the perfect job. im sorry the world has other plans for me. other plans that I am not aware of.
So I am leaving, off to see what it is the world has for me. off to travel to new and exiting places. off to visit friends long lost. but really I am running away. I cant handle this life here. this shadow of a dream. so close, so close by. I cant stop my mind from dreaming about her while I sleep, or about wild fantasies about everyday normal stuff. so im leaving. and I dont care about all the small things I have accumulated, or any of the things that I have achieved, or about how, or where I will live and survive. but im leaving and not coming back. not for 2 years that is. and then I will roll the dice and see what the world has for me then.
al
I have tried with the greatest of my efforts to pursue the success of myself while at the same time have a loving relationship with the one that I love while being as true to myself as I could possibly be. In a way I have become very successful. Career wise I have accomplish many things that I thought could never be possible from someone of my stature, growing up where I did and under the conditions that I did while being surrounded by the folk that I did. Very few people truly understand what this means to me to have overcome this accomplishment.
Second most I have had the opportunity to be with the girl of my dreams, something that alot of people will never experience. Its like a moment in time, or a blink of the eye. I dont know how I got here to this place or how I can get myself back to where I used to be. I stop for only a moment to be haunted once again by memories or a dream that she will walk back into my life and forgive me for my imperfections.
Then I get sad, very sad, I want to cry but cant, then I get angry, that I have been left like this, angry that there i someone in the world that i care that much for and that i have opened myself up to and has that kind of power over me so that i can feel this much hurt. I look around and see my room, our room. my bed, our bed. i can still see her things piled in my room. I look on facebook and and reminded of a time when i was happier by those stupid photo pop ups on the right hand column, and once again i fall back into despair.
Fuck you world. fuck you, Why cant I stop this. why cant I just let this go and be free. be free of this torment. why. because i still fucking love her. fuck im an idiot. I had the world in my hands and I dropped it. now all I have is a hope. a small painful torturous hope. a date. a time. 2 years from now. 25th November 2012. its cruel in a way. cruel to make me suffer. but im a fool and I did it to myself. hanging on to a dream. a dream that I thought I could achieve. to do the impossible. to have that life that most people wish for. a happy marriage, a house, 2 kids, the perfect job. im sorry the world has other plans for me. other plans that I am not aware of.
So I am leaving, off to see what it is the world has for me. off to travel to new and exiting places. off to visit friends long lost. but really I am running away. I cant handle this life here. this shadow of a dream. so close, so close by. I cant stop my mind from dreaming about her while I sleep, or about wild fantasies about everyday normal stuff. so im leaving. and I dont care about all the small things I have accumulated, or any of the things that I have achieved, or about how, or where I will live and survive. but im leaving and not coming back. not for 2 years that is. and then I will roll the dice and see what the world has for me then.
al

